Is your sex life fulfilling, or frustrating?
Mine was broken from the go!
My husband and I both had to work through layers of wounding over several decades to get to the place where we are now—which is an honoring and enjoyable sexual experience.
If you are experiencing sexual dysfunction in your relationship, my hope is that you will move through the healing process much faster than we did to reap the joyful benefits of a successful intimate and sexual experience together.
Let’s look at this more closely.
Where does sexual wounding come from?
My own wounding came from years of sexual abuse in childhood. It was also complicated by old religious programming that suggested that sex is a sin.
With years of dedicated effort on my part, I can happily say I have healed and claimed my sexual energy and now truly enjoy a regular sexual experience where the pleasures of that experience are for me first.
Here are my top five tips to help you find, heal, and claim your sexual energy so it blesses your life:
1. Make sure that sex is for you first.
If you have a background of abuse, you would have learned that sex was for the pleasure of the person subjecting you to the sexual acts you were forced to participate in. Even if you were not sexually abused, you may have been abused by our culture’s misrepresentation that the purpose of a woman’s sexuality is to first please a man.
Because of these abuses to your sexual development, your sex drive is hampered and repressed as those feelings are not comfortable, and sexual activities can trigger the feeling that you are being abused all over again. Even orgasm, which is a natural function, can be hampered. If you orgasmed as a child or teen in the event of abuse, your body may be resistant to it when it is now appropriate and desired.
My background of abuse is why I created the Clearing Session for Sexual Abuse in The Carol Tuttle Healing Center. If you were sexually abused, or believe your sexual development was hindered in any way from religious or cultural beliefs, go do this clearing now.
What was critical for me in learning that my sexual experience existed for my own pleasure first, was to engage in the act of pleasuring myself without my husband participating. I had to claim back my own body and all of its sensations, many that I had never even felt before I chose to do this. Achieving sexual climax on my own was one of the most freeing moments of my sexual healing. I reclaimed myself on all levels.
Our sexual energy is one of the most powerful energies we have available to us. I am grateful to have it now contribute to my and my
husband’s pleasure in our sexual experience together.
2. Send away the wounded little girl and get present in your adult body.
We all carry generational patterns about sex, or we experienced uncomfortable scenarios or conversations about sexuality when we were younger. If you experienced sexual abuse, it’s incredibly common to re-create the same psychological and emotional state that you had to experience as a child when you are having sex as an adult.
My trick for this was to take a few minutes before I engaged in sex with my husband and do a quick visualization with my wounded inner child. I would meet with her and tell her I was the adult having an adult sexual experience I had chosen. I would invite her to go away and play, bringing in angels to help her and remove her from the scene. I told her she was not the one having sex. I was, as the adult.
This helped me stay present and create new patterns of thought and feelings that were positive about having sex.
3. Talk about your fears and get them out of your body.
My husband proved to be a good listener for me when I needed to do this.
I encouraged him that he didn’t need to fix anything, that it was therapeutic for me to just be able to put to words what I was feeling so I wouldn’t store it in my body.
If your spouse is not able to support you in this way, it’s worth it to pay a counselor to have a space to share what you have never put words to. Feelings need a form of expression, and having your body overcome with anger and fear at the time of having sex will not allow you to stay present enough to teach your body that sex is meant to be a pleasurable experience.
4. Learn how your body’s sexual biology functions.
Do you know the name and function of all of your sexual and reproductive organs? I didn’t. That is why I read the book, Woman’s Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston. Again, in an effort to claim my body back for myself first, and to create a healthy relationship with my body, I learned about how it works and what it is designed to do sexually which was supportive.
5. Work with a great sex therapist.
Jon and I had the privilege of working with a wonderful sex therapist who helped me clean up some final stages of my healing and actually helped Jon heal some of his own sexual wounding.
Since my sexual wounding took center stage in our intimate relationships for many years, it wasn’t until we met with a sex therapist several years ago that we realized my husband had some sexual baggage of his own to deal with. My husband’s wounding came primarily from religious programming that sex was bad.
His sexual energy and bodily functions were shamed and never talked about in a positive and educational way during his youth. He was left to feel that shame, with no support to talk about his developing body in a healthy way that would teach him to love, honor, and work with it. As an adult, Jon learned to re-parent his teenage self and help grow up that part of himself from the shame energy.
He also learned from our sex therapist that it was not his wife’s job to provide sexual fulfillment for him. All through his youth, he had been given messages that his sexual fantasies would be fulfilled once he was married. This left him subconsciously believing that it would be his wife’s job to play out the function of fulfilling them. Our honeymoon night was a disaster! It began a pattern of anger and frustration for both of us that lasted for years.
Sexual healing took time, but it was worth it.
It took Jon and me years to uncover all of the shame we both experienced around sex, mostly because we ignored it for many of the early years and did not have the communication skills to even begin working through it.
When we were finally ready, we peeled the onion in the context of a committed partnership, which supported us both.
Where the conversations used to be hard and awkward about our sexual experience, they are now open, interesting, and supportive.
What needs to be addressed in your sexual experience so it can contribute to the affluence of your overall relationship?
In addition to these 5 tips above, I have many resources in The Carol Tuttle Energy Healing Center to help you heal issues keeping you hurt and stuck, such as the Healing Plan for Abuse and the Healing Plan for Relationship Challenges.
This is what one of my clients, Michelle, shared about how the Healing Center helped her marriage:
“I have consistently been a member since the Healing Center opened. My life does not resemble anything like it did a year ago. My husband and I did not divorce (we were planning it 1.5 years ago) and we are no longer triggered when the other one is emotional. Healing my triggers and establishing boundaries made a change in my husband to stop his extreme OCD behavior in the home. He has never done any healing work here or in therapy. But when I healed, he did too. I can’t thank you enough!”