Guilt Trips from Your Mother-In-Law? 3 Ways to Fix That

How to handle holidays with healthy boundaries.

Do you ever butt heads with your in-laws? Or maybe it happens with your own parents.

They want things to be a certain way (for the holidays, for example), and you’ve always gone along with their requests. But when you try to create your own traditions, they guilt-trip you.

It’s normal for your in-laws and parents to have certain needs and preferences, but this can cause tension or conflict when it’s not what’s best for you or your own family.

How do you respect each other, while also having healthy boundaries? Let’s talk about it!

“My relatives are upset with me.”

Throughout the year, I host live coaching calls for all of the Carol Tuttle Healing Center members to help them through whatever is coming up for them at that time. We just had the live coaching call for October.

This one was a live Q&A format, and I loved all the questions that came through! We covered so much together on the call.

But one question, in particular, is incredibly timely for everyone as the holidays approach:

“I let our relatives know we’d be having Christmas at home instead of traveling to stay with them for the first time in 11 years. I feel really good about the decision, as it’s what I’ve been wanting for years. Initially, they said, ‘Fine,’ then I had phone calls and messages for the last two days, asking, ‘What’s wrong?’ and them saying that I’m not the kind of sensitive person I used to be and that they just want to feel loved. I’m really unsure how to deal with this. I spent my childhood not doing what I wanted. So, lots of emotions coming up with this one. I don’t know if I should reply.”

What’s happening is that you’re in a childhood pattern, and we’re going to change that.

I have a couple of ideas to help you through this.

First, let’s discuss the healthiest and most ideal situation.

I want to give you an idea of a reasonable, adult perspective.

You see, I have 4 adult children. They all have young, growing families. There is absolutely no way I would ever put it on them and say, “Why aren’t you coming to see me?”

Instead, I’m thinking, “My goodness, they have their own family. I’m certainly not the priority at Christmas, nor am I going to demand that I am.”

A note to parents of adult children, it’s important for each and every one of us to remember that our children have their own families. Of course, they want to stay home and create their own traditions! If anybody’s going to travel, it’ll be me visiting them on Christmas, working around their family’s schedule.

Now, let’s ask, why aren’t you getting that ideal experience?

Consider the possibility that you are enrolling them to be like this.

Consider the possibility that you have a deeper belief, of “Well, my role is to do what you want, and to put my needs and what I want aside, and to be the mediator, and to make sure you’re comfortable. And I’m sensitive to you first. I don’t expect anything from you. Don’t be sensitive to me, because that’s my job.”

Because you have this belief, you have a script to go along with it.

As a result, they’re working off of the script you’ve given them, which is, “Your role is to be sensitive to us. Your needs don’t matter. Ours are more important than you. How dare you say you’re not coming for Christmas? What’s going on? Oh, I can’t believe you’re doing this.”

This is old, old stuff.

Ready to create a new script? Here’s how.

  • Clearing Session for Dysfunctional FamiliesThis session will help you release any energy you still carry from being raised in a dysfunctional family. You will feel more free to create new patterns as you heal your inner child.
  • How to Change the ScriptsThis session will guide you through a visualization where you can change the scripts that are playing out with everyone in your life. When you take these steps, you set the energy in motion to create a different experience for everyone you come in contact with.
  • Bring to life what you want by Energy Sketching in your Creation Journal.

This year, you can have the happiest holidays you’ve always dreamed of.

Loved what you learned here? Well, good news! In the Coaching Call, I go over so many more questions sent in by our members, and you’re sure to have plenty of helpful takeaways! Watch the recording here.

Get access by joining the Healing Center!

Start your (FREE) complimentary two weeks here!

How did this call help you? Post about your insights and “aha” moments in the members-only Healing Center Facebook group.

Bless you,

Psst. This coaching call had giveaways exclusively for our live Zoom attendees that are now closed. As you watch the replay, if you feel a tug toward any of the resources mentioned, treat yourself to them! You’re being called to them for a reason.

Find out what’s keeping you stuck


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