Sex should be easy, nurturing and add to the depth of the relationship. However, many couples experience a lot of conflict when it comes to intimate moments and sexual expectations. Pressure is often put on this point of the relationship, and many of us tend to feel hurt or frustrated when things don’t go smoothly. Communication can help create a meaningful and healthy balance in your sexual relationship.
Talking about sex can be difficult because it is such a sensitive subject. All of us have some kind of shame or discomfort regarding sex—even if we had the most supporting and loving upbringing. So, it’s important we learn how to talk about sex so that the conversation is productive for both partners.
Signs You Need to Talk About Sex
There are so many reasons a chat might be needed. You may feel like bringing up your sex life is likely to end in a fight. But here are several clear signs you need to have a talk with your partner:
- You are feeling hurt or unfulfilled
- You feel like you can’t talk about sex
- Your partner seems unfulfilled or distant
- There are different things you would like to try
- It’s hard for you to feel comfortable during sex
- The frequency isn’t working well for your needs
- You grew up where sex talk was taboo
- You would rather talk to your friends than your partner about sex
- You have trouble feeling turned on or achieving an orgasm
- You aren’t comfortable with things your partner wants to do
4 Tips to Talk About Sex
Are you interested in talking about sex with your partner? Here are four helpful tips to start you off on the right foot.
Timing is Everything!
It might seem natural to talk about sex right before or after you have an intimate moment. However, this is the WORST time to talk about sex! The emotions are high, and you have to change into left-brain thinking in order to discuss sex. Talking about sex during a charged moment is a recipe for disaster.
I want to be very clear: I’m not talking about expressing a like or dislike here. Of COURSE, you can tell your partner to stop doing something in the heat of the moment and expect them to respond. And, of course, most couples like to talk about what they are enjoying during their intimate time. I’m referring to a full-blown conversation about the health of your sexual connection or setting intimacy goals for you as a couple.
If you need to have a bigger talk about sex, then you need to schedule a special time to discuss it when both of your heads are clear and no one is going to feel caught in the moment. Rather than approaching the topic from a reactive position, scheduling this talk will help you plan out your talking points and consider anything you deem important to cover.
Take Responsibility for your OWN Pleasure!
It is NOT the role of your partner to meet your every desire and know your every urge. It’s going to be important to focus on what you need to experience pleasure, or you couldn’t help your partner understand what would improve the experience.
There is a fine balance between trying to please your partner and trying to feel satisfied yourself. There has to be give-and-take within a relationship. While it’s great for both of you to do some research about things you can try or methods to improve the pleasure of sex, it’s also important to know what you need.
Every person is different, and everybody is different. You are going to feel resentful if you leave this to your partner to figure out for you. That resentment can lead to a block that stops the flow of sexual energy and lowers your libido. Putting that pressure on your partner can also make it difficult for them to feel relaxed and enjoy the experience.
Be Clear and Explain
Your partner is not a mind reader. It can be very frustrating for both parties if one expects the other to simply understand where they are coming from. Your experience is your own, just as your partner’s experience is their own. What might feel really good to them could feel like a total letdown to you.
You might not feel like being intimate because your breath smells or you just used the bathroom. If you don’t tell them that, they might feel rejected and hurt by your lack of interest. If you are feeling overwhelmed with your daily to-do list, they won’t know to help alleviate the burden if they aren’t aware it exists!
It’s important to separate our emotional needs from the sexual experience. If you are clear with what you want or need, it becomes less of a personal attack when you don’t feel like engaging.
Be Positive, Not Critical!
Every good teacher knows the difference between instruction that builds up and instruction that tears down. There should be times you express your desire for something to be different, However, how you say it can make a huge difference in how your partner receives it.
For example, think about the difference between:
“Oh, no! Not like that. That makes me feel too uncomfortable.”
“How about like this? This feels so good to me!”
Both sentences could be directing the same change, but one focuses on the positive while the other focuses on what is wrong. You want the person to feel encouraged to make positive changes, so approach it from what you want and not what you don’t want.
No matter how the experience goes, try to say something positive to help encourage the things you like. When you choose to sit down and have a planned-out conversation about sex (tip #1), it’s important to each share something you enjoy about your intimate moments.
You can practice the “compliment sandwich” to include a complaint between two compliments for a more positive outcome. Start with something you love, followed by something they can do better and finish with something you really appreciate. Sugar makes the medicine go down, right? This approach just naturally makes it easier to want to improve.
Healing Your Sexual Intimacy in Just 3 Weeks
It takes time and work to restore your understanding of yourself and sex. I’ve just finished putting together my newest course on sexual intimacy healing. I’m so excited about what this course has to offer. We take just three weeks to discuss how to talk about sex, what you should discuss and how to make a shift in your approach.
I want to help couples find this deep connection that is so powerful and enjoyable. God gave us the beautiful gift of sex, and we need to work to make it a healthy part of our relationship.
Join me for three weeks and see how this course will completely change your relationships. Try my course now to learn about making a deeper connection through sex!