Do you find yourself thinking back to the early days of your relationship and just missing the excitement?
Sexual intimacy is one of the gifts a relationship can bring. We all crave closeness and belonging with our partner. But if you’ve been with your partner for a long time, it can feel tricky to maintain the level of intimacy you both want.
You see a lot of tips and messaging out there that are meant to help couples become closer and happier. But more often than not, they’re geared toward a younger crowd or those in a new relationship.
You want your relationship to have more connection and passion, but how do you keep the fire alive after all these years?
The truth is, creating true, deep intimacy in a long-term relationship is much easier than you think—you just have to know how.
Top 5 Myths About What Creates True Intimacy
1. It needs to be spontaneous.
This belief comes from the early years when sex simply was spontaneous all the time! Everything was new and there was so much to discover about each other. But as life changes and responsibilities grow, sexual intimacy becomes less of a fun urgency. Pair that with hormonal changes, and sex often takes the back burner.
Tip: Schedule it! At first, this might sound boring and awkward, but it can be incredibly helpful. It encourages communication, as well as naturally building anticipation.
2. It needs to be mysterious.
There’s certainly nothing wrong with mystery, but after being with the same partner for years or decades, it’s going to be hard to maintain this space for the unknown. You know each other so well by now. Why not just remove this requirement altogether?
Tip: Relax into the known. Take an aspect of intimacy you already know your partner enjoys, and then sink deeper into it. Ask questions like, “I know it’s important to you when we talk and connect emotionally first; what is something you especially love when we’re in that moment together?”
3. It needs to be romantic.
Everyone’s idea of romance is different, but there’s often pressure to make it feel “typically” romantic all the time. Rose petals, silks, certain colors, scents, etc.
Tip: Define what romance is to you. What do you and your partner need in order to feel ready and in the mood? Let go of the expectation that it needs to look like it does in the movies. Let yourselves be yourselves—silly, serious, quiet, or talkative.
4. It needs to happen a certain amount of times every week.
Whether you’re in a new relationship or not, this is one of the most frustrating expectations to put on yourselves. The amount of sex you have does not define the success or happiness of your relationship. Some couples are quite content with having it more frequently, and others need it less.
Tip: What do you need and want? What does your partner need and want? That’s all that matters. Refrain from comparison or putting pressure on yourself to be anything other than what is correct for you and your relationship.
5. It needs to last a certain amount of time, every time.
In the beginning, it was easy to get lost in the experience for hours. But it’s unrealistic to expect this to continue in a long-term relationship.
Tip: Two things to consider. Allow yourselves to have it be shorter, fun, yet still intimate and fulfilling. On the other hand, consider the possibility that you can have longer experiences that don’t have to end in an orgasm. It can be enjoyable and easy just to be together and be in the moment together, without making orgasm the goal. Communication about either of these options is important so that both people are on the same page and getting their desires met.
What’s making sex (or communication about sex) difficult for you?
Most of the time, sexual intimacy issues can be traced back to the inability to communicate about them. We just don’t know how!
We want better sex, easier sex—but we’re expected to just know how to have it. We’re expected to just know what our partner wants, or we think they should just know what we want!
In my brand new Healing Plan for Sexual Intimacy, I help you remove shame, release all the blame, and teach you how to communicate effectively from a healthy, confident place.
I’m not going to teach you the mechanics of how to be intimate. I’m going to teach you how to connect to the sexual creative force that’s already inside of you. This changes everything.
Bless you,
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