Is it just anger, or is it abusive behavior?
When their young daughter makes a mistake or doesn’t listen right away, he uses intense anger, intimidation, and threats to make her do what he wants.
When the mother tries to intervene, the father becomes furious for being disrespected and having his authority challenged.
As a result, both the mother and child are scared and walking around on eggshells with their defenses up.
Spot red flags and decide to take a stand.
This kind of behavior from an adult is unacceptable in any situation, but especially as a parenting strategy. It is abusive.
You have two lessons to learn from this: taking a stand and using your voice. You can read more about this in the Foot and Throat Chakra chapters in my new book, The Modern Chakra Guide.
Taking a stand does not mean you act in anger. It means you speak up on behalf of your child who can’t speak up for herself.
This is what I would do.
Use your voice to create a safer solution.
1. Set up a time to meet with your husband to discuss this issue. Follow the steps of communication in the Relationship chapter in my book Mastering Affluence.
2. In a mature way, state that you respect him as the father and want to support him. Mention scenarios where he has done a great job as a dad.
3. Share that you have an issue with his disciplinary approach when he loses his temper. Apologize that you called him out in front of her, and at the same time, you cannot support it as it is damaging to her. Explain that you want to support him in choosing another method and staying calm.
4. Let him share how he feels about losing his temper and if that’s what he really wants. Really listen at this point. What’s going on with him?
5. Ask him what he thinks would work, share what you want, and then talk until you both come up with a mutual agreement you feel good about.
Set boundaries and remove yourself from the abuse.
This final step is the most important: share that you can no longer stand by as your daughter is yelled at this way. If he cannot maintain a composed presence, you will ask him to remove himself so you can take care of it.
If he doesn’t agree to that, or if he does agree and then fails to do it, let him know that you will remove yourself and your daughter from his space and deal with it yourself until he is more composed.
This is you taking a stand and setting boundaries for you and your child.
If at any time during this meeting he yells or starts blaming you, do not continue and let him know that it’s not okay to yell at you and to let you know when he is ready to talk again. State that this conversation is important and that you would appreciate his support.
Clear old family patterns that continue the abuse.
What needs clearing here are old family patterns. How does this scenario replicate your family of origin patterns? Perhaps your husband was not listened to or respected as a child?
Even if this is true, it’s not an excuse. Getting triggered does not mean it is acceptable to demand respect in this way from a defenseless child.
The Clearing Session for Dysfunctional Families is perfect and necessary for situations like this. As a Healing Center member, you can go through this 6-minute video right now.
Not a member of the Healing Center yet? Join today for 14-day free to access this clearing—and so many more, like the Sound Meditation to Heal Abuse or the Healing Plan for Abuse.
Start your healing journey today.