Are you a people-pleaser? Most people are, so you’re not alone. But the truth is that it never serves you—it will only backfire and cause resentment. That’s because people-pleasing behavior comes from a childhood belief that you formed when you were about 5 years old. Watch this video to release that old belief that’s keeping you in the cycle of people-pleasing.
How do you know if you’re a people pleaser? I have three key signs you can self-evaluate yourself and see if you are. It’s not uncommon unfortunately and I’m gonna teach you a healing technique today that’s going to stop all these people pleasing nonsense. Because you know what, it never serves you. Now, let’s just distinguish the difference between a people pleaser, what is that, and someone that’s there to support, give and offer their best self.
3 Signs You Are A People Pleaser
1. You Put Others Before Yourself
A people pleaser, here’s one of the signs, okay, evaluate yourself on this one. You think of what others want and need before you consider yourself. All right, so, “Gee, is such a bad thing?” Well, it is when you never think of your own self and your needs are not being met because it leaves you in a place of resentment and frustration and it depletes your energy. And so if you’re thinking about what other people’s needs and wants are before your own, it’s an imbalance and you’ve got it backward. Do you do that? Evaluate yourself. That’s a sign of a people pleaser.
2. You Take Responsibility For Others Feelings
The second sign, if someone is upset, you think you have to fix it. And you too often think, “What did I do? What did I do? Am I the reason they’re upset? You know, I’ve got to fix it for him. I’ve got to help this person not feel so bad.” So you take responsibility for other people’s feelings and quite often you take on their energy. You start feeling it for them. And then you have a double motive, you not only want…you feel bad about the fact that you may have upset somebody, you want him to feel better so you’ll stop feeling bad too. All right, do you do that? Not healthy.
3. You Feel Bad For Others
The third sign, you feel bad for other people. “I feel so bad for them. Oh, I feel so bad.” You hear that a lot or you read that a lot, “I feel so bad for them.” “Oh, my heart just aches for them.” You don’t have to join people in their pain, in their upset so they know you care. You can be a compassionate, loving, kind, considerate human being and feel good while you’re doing it.
In fact, you’re going to have more power to make a difference in someone else’s life by helping them feel better from the place of feeling better where you’re at. Help them rise up to where you are rather than you going to join them in their feeling bad experience. So drop the saying, “I feel bad for them,” it’s not serving you. You could say, “I’m concerned for them,” “I’m sensitive to them,” “I’m aware of them,” “I’m really hopeful for them,” “I want things to turn around for them,” then you’re not joining the “I feel bad” experience. So do you do any or all three of those?”
Why You Are A People Pleaser (And My Own Experience With It)
Now, there’s an underlying belief that you’re operating in that’s setting you up to keep employing these people pleasing strategies, because you need to people please because you have a belief, this is the number one belief, I’ve helped literally hundreds and hundreds and hundreds if not thousands of clients clear this limiting belief. Remove it, change it, and it comes from your childhood. And it made sense when you were five because you didn’t have other options but it makes absolutely no sense when you’re 35, 45, 55 and up. It only is a disservice to you. And the number one belief is, “I have to please others to be loved and have value.”
And it may be so ingrained in you it actually feels accurate. Well, of course, I do, because that’s how I get my needs met or that’s why people…if I don’t take care of other people, if I don’t please them, I have no value, I’m not lovable.” Well, we started doing this as kids around the age of five. You know, in my situation I had a mother…my father was a little more complicated. He was not someone that was accessible to try and please easily. You just steered clear of him and did your best when he was around not to make the guy mad. I mean, you know, my dad admitted all this before he died. And now that he’s in his highest soul form, he and I are best buds. So I’m not knocking my father, he played a huge role for me. I learned a lot because of my father’s role, bless him. He suffered tremendously as a human being.
Now, I played out the people pleasing part for my mother. And what that looked like when you’re about five, you start to recognize, “Oh, if I please…” think of which parent you probably do this more predominantly with, because there’s usually one you do it more with than the other, and you go, at five years old you kind of figure out the strategy, “If I do what they want and I please them, they respond in a favorable way. Oh, I get it. I have to please my parent in order for them to love me and value me.” Now that’s not healthy, and as a parent, I hope you’re not requiring that of your children. Read “The Child Whisperer” if you’re playing that game out still, it’s generational in nature, but we’re conscious enough now to stop that craziness as parents. No child should have to prove they’re lovable. We should never had to prove that when we were little.
We are lovable because we exist. We are valuable because we were born. And yet, when we’re operating from this deeper belief of, “I have to please others,” and originally it was, “I have to please mom or dad in order to be loved and valued.” And now you’re operating from that belief as an adult, “I have to please my spouse, I have to please my boss, I have to please somebody else so they will approve of me, appreciate me, and see that I’m lovable.” Never works out, always backfires and you’ll only feel resentment because you’re not five and they’re not your mother and father. It wasn’t healthy back then, it’s incredibly unhealthy now.
How To Stop Being A People Pleaser (Visualization Exercise)
Let’s switch it, we’re gonna do a brief visualization. If you can see this, that’s awesome. If you can’t see it, it’s okay, your subconscious mind is paying attention, it’s listening to me and it’s gonna do the job for you. So close your eyes and take a deep breath. Turn your attention to your body, turn your awareness inside. Imagine standing in the light, bring in a healing presence. It could be God, Christ, angels, whatever you connect with as divine healing presence, bring it in.
Now, imagine your healing angels are bringing you to or bringing her or him to you, a five-year-old self. You can also see a picture of a five-year-old you that just suddenly comes to life form and you’re standing there with your five-year-old self. Thank that little one for the role they’ve played for you, the job they’ve taken on, my goodness, how many years that they’ve been playing the part of, “I have to please somebody in order to feel loved and valuable.” Tell them they didn’t know any better. Mom and dad had it, confused, they never should have required that, that you were lovable because you exist and you were born. Tell that to your five-year-old. Get down, kneel down, look him in the eyes and tell them you’re lovable because you’re you.
There’s nothing you have to do to be loved. Nothing. Why? Your value is a constant. And give that little child, that’s you, a big hug and tell them you love them unconditionally and you want them to give up this old role. Let go of mom and dad. Send them off with their healing angels. There’s nobody that little one has to take care of anymore, you’re there to make sure that little you is cared for. Ask your healing angels, ask whatever you connect with on a divine level, God the Father, God the Mother, Christ, whatever it is, bring that presence, that power in and ask them to care for your little one unconditionally, 100%.
Now, I want you to go ahead and take a deep breath, open your eyes, tap on your K27 points, all your meridians around through these, and say, “I am lovable and I am valued because I exist. There’s nothing I have to do. I am loved for being me.” Take a deep breath. Put the energy of that image of your five-year-old into your hands and bring that energy into your heart and anchor that in your heart to bring into your being a oneness of self.
Now, when it comes to doing good for others, you can come from a place of asking yourself first, “Is it correct for me to support this person in this way? What’s correct for me first?” You don’t have to choose between you and other people, it’s not an either or, it’s a both and. I can both take care of me and make sure I am supported and I can support others. When people are processing emotion you can let them have that experience without feeling any responsibility for it. You could be kind to them and supportive without joining them or feeling you created it. That’s what your five-year-old self did way back when. They were walking around as a little kid saying, “I probably upset mom and dad.” Keep reminding them when you go there, close your eyes, see that little five-year-old and say, “Uh-uh, remember, not your job anymore. We’re done. No more do we need to do this.” And you can reach out, be inspired, support others as you’re prompted, from a place of wholeness and well-being and you can really make a difference.
I’m Carol Tuttle. I’m the creator of the most comprehensive online healing website called healwithcarol.com. I have 25 years in healing expertise. I’m an expert in knowing how to heal your life through natural methods. Join me at healwithcarol.com. Go check it out and get involved because I can help make healing faster, cheaper, and life lasting. I have already helped literally millions of people, let me help you. We’ll see you over there.