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How To Stop Being Triggered By Your Ex After Divorce

How to end the same old, painful issues and patterns.

When you get married, you don’t ever plan on getting divorced. And yet, for various reasons, this is your experience. You’re physically divorced or separated, but you still feel “energetically married.” You still have the same issues, you trigger each other, you play out the same patterns together. I’ve got 5 tips to help you shift that so you can be free and create a happy, awesome life.

I’m Carol Tuttle. I’m a teacher, a healer, and a bestselling author of six books, most recently, “Mastering Affluence.” I also have extensive experience healing my own life and helping, literally, millions of people heal and create lives they love.

The 5 Energy Techniques

These five tips are gonna really help you then I have a really cool energy healing technique I’m gonna take you through at the end. So, make sure you stay with me through the five tips and get to the technique. One leads to the other.

1. Stop Judging Your Ex

Tip one, stop judging your ex, stop finding fault in them, criticizing them, putting them down, stop talking about them in a way that’s negative and how you perceive them. Because where you focus, you flow energy and you create more of the same. So, you could say to yourself when you catch yourself doing this next time. You won’t automatically stop, you’ll actually do it again and then you’ll go, “Okay, yeah, here I am doing this again, I have my attention on this, I’m putting a lot of…” And notice how much energy, emotional energy you’re throwing at it. You get real emotional, it’s something you’re very passionate about. Finding fault, judging your ex. You’re now…you might as well just say to yourself, “I’m just creating them to give me more of this experience. I can count on them playing this out even bigger for me.”

Now, you might say, “But I can’t change this person.” Well, yes, you can, because the energy that you’re putting out there will create more of a certain experience with them. So, as you stop that, you actually open the space for them to show up differently because you start believing you deserve better and you deserve to be treated with more equanimity.

2. Stop Blaming

The second tip is stop blaming. Blaming is they’re the reason you have these issues, they’re the reason you’re playing these patterns or created. They’re the reason there’s so much struggle and it’s not amicable. They’re the reason you’re feeling powerless and like a victim. It’s really easy to go to the blame game in a relationship scenario.

I’ve done it many times, blame my husband, if he would just do this different, it’s his fault. I feel this way. Just notice any time you go there and you’re projecting blame, and that’s your perception of the other person, where do you put yourself? You automatically place yourself as a victim. You’re powerless. You don’t have a choice because now they have all the power. You give them all this power. So, as you stop blaming, you take your power back and you can give them their energy. It’s kind of like you gotta clear what’s yours, I’ll take care of mine.

3. Take Accountability

Which leads me to tip number three, take accountability that you helped create this. You both did it together. You have your own story you brought to this, you have your own stuff you brought into this. You trigger each other because you really are really serving each other in a way to go, “I’m gonna show you all the stuff that really upsets you.” You do it to your ex, they do it to you and you play this role.

So, as you take accountability and say, “I am the one that created my divorce experience for you,” you did create it for yourself, and you get to own that, you get a choice now. It can feel kinda like, “I don’t really wanna own that.” Yet, in the ownership of that, you change from being a victim to now having a choice, being a creator. Well, if I created that, then I can create something different and that’s what’s empowering, to say, “Well, I’m really good at creating divorce. I’m really good at creation. I’m a master of creation. I do it every day with where I put my attention.” You can create what you want now.

4. Clear and Heal The Pattern Of Divorce

So, once you take accountability, tip number four, clear and heal the pattern of divorce. It may proceed you. There’s a good chance it’s in your family story. Were your parents divorced? How many people in your family system have experienced divorce? The greater the number, the more potent the pattern. And you are a carrier of that pattern. And consider the possibility that that energy, that you are a carrier of, really set you up to attract someone that you would play this out with and create it with.

Now, that you know and you have that awareness, you can heal it. You can end it with you. You don’t have to pass it on to your kids, they don’t have to grow up in the energy of the negativity of divorce, create it themselves. You can stop it, you can heal it. How do you do that? Well, I have a fabulous resource called the Carol Tuttle Online Healing Center. When you go to, you’ll find access to the Healing Center and I have a really powerful session called “Clearing for Divorce,” along with a lot of other great sessions that accompany that, like clearing for broke, clearing for blame, clearing for rejection, clearing for codependency.

Those are all pieces of the divorce story, the divorce experience and now, you can create what you want. You know what you don’t want? Start putting your attention on what you do want, even write it out. List it, get very specific about it.

5. Gratitude

Then tip number five, gratitude. I know there are some things you’ve learned from this experience that have made you a better person. I’m convinced that we go through life lessons and they’re designed to support us in waking up to help us come to know ourselves better. So, take time. Right after this video, I want you to list three gifts you’ve received, three gifts that have helped you become a better person because you went through this experience. That is a beautiful thing to focus on and say, “I’m grateful for my divorce experience. Because of that, I am more of…” finish the sentence. “Because of my divorce experience I am now a better person because…” What can you claim from that? Gratitude opens us up to create something different because we receive now, we receive the good, the blessing, the gift from it.

Now, this energy technique, this is called Cutting the Energetic Cord. If you visualize with your eyes open or closed, do whichever supports you seeing this. If you can’t see it in your mind, you can draw a picture of it and do the process from a sketch. If you can’t do either, your subconscious mind will know what I’m talking about. So, when you’re still energetically married to your ex, it’s as though there’s a leash between you. And when you feel like the victim and the powerless one in the story, it’s like the leash is clamped around your ankle.

So, imagine that, think of you’re standing there and there’s this clamp around your ankle with the chain that the other…or around your neck, anywhere that you visualize it on your body. Like they’re jerking your neck, they’re jerking your leg, they’re keeping you from moving forward. They’ve got you shackled. Maybe it’s shackled on both your legs, but they’re holding this chain and they’re holding it and you’re stuck and you can’t move forward because this person is energetically manipulating you. That doesn’t look too cool. And obviously, it disempowers you.

So, I want you to imagine either you or a power greater than you, God, goddesses, whatever, angels, whatever comes to mind, and get a big clip, a big chain breaker. It’s gonna cut the metal, it’s going to cut right through it and you’re gonna separate. So, imagine just… just… It cuts. That energy, that chain goes back to them, wraps you or wrap around them. They have to own their stuff or they have to hold it. It’s like this weight of the chain now ends up in their arms and suddenly, the shackle, the clamp, just opens and releases and you see your…even move around. Jump up and down, move your feet, march in place, the freedom now, feel it in your body.

So, anytime you feel this being compromised energetically and you’re playing out the old story and you’re energetically still married in the same pattern issues and struggle, see this…cut the energy, cut it right then. Give them back theirs, you take yours. Free yourself up, take a deep breath, see yourself walking forward. Maybe walking away from them. Let them deal with whatever they have to deal with. Walking into moving up steps, going to a higher plane of awareness, see that happening. Cut the energetic cord, and keep freeing yourself up. Practice the five tips you’re gonna be energetically freed, you can create an amicable experience where this person shows up honoring to the degree that supports the dealings that you still need to work out together. Whether that’s co-parenting, there’s legal issues that need to be worked out, but people are showing up… You’re putting forth a cooperative energy and they’re showing up in a cooperative energy.Use these tips, they’re gonna help you.

Did this video support you? Did you get some insights? Give it a Like if that’s the case, and share in a comment, what insights did you receive? And subscribe to my channel so you can get updates on more amazing healing videos.

Also, go to and take my Stuck Quiz, you are so ready to get unstuck? It’s a 16-question quiz. It’s real quick, it will open up the offering of my Masterclass where you can enroll for free. I will help you get unstuck, I guarantee it. The three sessions that I offer you for free are powerful and life-changing. Go to and get unstuck today. Thanks for watching. You got a question? Ask it in a comment. Have a topic you’d like me to cover? Share it in a comment. Thanks for watching.

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